Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
