so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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