Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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