I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize