enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
worst night to have a conscience
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
