tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize