I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
