god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize