My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
