6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
