I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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