His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
