We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
