some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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