So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
