I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
