I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
