I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
