My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
