every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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