it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
