Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
