I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
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