remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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