listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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