he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
