I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
