i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
