I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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