god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
