Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
