I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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