Pants 0. Shit 1.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
