Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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