my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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