He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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