this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
