Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
