if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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