If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
