All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I can't put those talents on a resume
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
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