i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Still dying that you shit outside
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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