Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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