I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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