Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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