in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
