a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
