I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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