her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
they need to just BURY HIM!
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
