Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
