i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
