Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
