When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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