wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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