I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
