Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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